Left the house at 7:30AM, worked at Nursing until 12PM, went to school from 12-3:30PM, came back to AU for a meeting from 4-6PM, Class from 6-830PM, special errand until 1030PM, rolled home about 11PM.

Sum: I ran for over fifteen hours on one bowl of Frosted Flakes.

I made a decision today, and took a step in the right direction. It's major, but I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm not happy, and I'm taking a step to fix that. I also decided that I have very little, if any, stability in my life, and my next step is to stop changing. Seems like I was stable one time, but those days are gone, and I want them back. 

Truth be told, I think there is one person in this world who knows me, and only one. That person knows what I'm dealing with, and I don't know what I'd do without them.

Current Mood: optimistic

Things have been crazy since I got back from NC last week, but not necessarily in a bad way. I suppose its probably a good thing in the long run, because being busy kept my mind off of my great-grandmother.

I started a little something last week that has become the highlight of my working life. Now, I'm not one to take a lunch hour, and I never have. My slated times for working are 9-12 in Nursing, and 1-3 at the school with my adorable children. In the past, I've left Nursing late and gotten to school early, taking a little bit of extra pay for that hour in between. I decided last week that I'm an insane workaholic, and an hour without pay is worth my sanity. Last year, my lunch was usually a protein bar and a bottle of water consumed at seventy miles per hour on the Northern State. I was doing that last week, and it just sortof hit me, "I gotta stop doing this." So, I've been using that hour and eating lunch at Clark Gardens, which just happens to be beside of the school that I work at. Whip in, make my way down to my new favorite bench under the trees, eat my snack, and read the paper or some assignment. It's peaceful, and I feel more together when its all said and done. Clark Gardens is great, and its becoming my new favorite place. Not saying I'm a whole, happy person yet, but that hour helps.

I'm beat, I'm running on about four hours of sleep for the past two nights, and I'm looking forward to bailing out of town tomorrow. Somewhere in Pennsylvania, there are three days of relaxation with my name on it. I need them now more than ever...I'm not excited about life anymore. It's just become day after day of disappointment and stress. I know how fortunate I am, and I am so grateful for that, but life as a whole just isn't cutting it for me.

Of course, I'm sitting here bitching about being tired, and I still have to pack. Smart.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: She Wants Revenge

Today had the bearings to be a bad day. 

I woke up late, spilled my Cinnamon Toast Crunch on my couch, had an accident with the copier at work and nearly made 4,219 copies, and heard from my father.

So, normally, this would be reason to come home, drink and vent, but today was such an awesome day. I got back to my school in Mineola with my special education children. 

I don't understand how people can hate kids. I came into the school, walked down the hallway towards the classroom fearing that they wouldn't remember me, and as soon as I turned the corner, two litte girls came out of the room, yelling my name and rushing to hug me.

That little moment made my life...after the past two weeks, its nice to feel appreciated. I wish I could sit down and tell those two how much that meant to me, and how bad I've felt since I came back to New York, and how that one little bout of love made a difference in my life, but I think they understand that.

Things felt normal today...first time since I've been back. Nothing has felt the same as last year, to a point where I was thinking the other day that if things didn''t get better, I'm going to transfer schools...maybe go back to Tennessee. But, God, that felt good today. Things feel like they did last year. I know I bitch about being a creature of routine, but I like that routine, when its all said and done.

So today was a great day, and I'm praying that there will be many more. It's almost like this wave of optimism has hit me.

I'm so looking forward to spending Friday night with Nik and Kristi...I'm in love with those two and I don't know what I would do without them.

Current Mood: energetic

It's funny, but I guess everyone really does have a diary. I kindof use this as a way of writing my thoughts, because I'm one of those people who can't handwrite because I think it takes too long. 

I never viewed my great-grandmother as the diary type, but I was proven wrong this afternoon. Nee called me and told me that she came across a relatively recent diary of Nanny's, dated back from May, 2002 (which made sense because shortly after that, she had a stroke where she lost a portion of her physical ability), and Nee was reading me the entries from them and we were laughing tonight.

They were all pretty basic...she would talk about her visitors that day and what she had done. It was nice to read all of her thoughts, but there wasn't anything really particular or outstanding about it.

Until the last entry...it was a day I vividly remember myself.

"May 1, 2002...

Kim (my mom) came by and got my car today. John (my father who left us in March of that year) came back to meet them today and took Kim's station wagon (which was actually a Ford Expedition) from her and the kids. She didn't have anything to drive! He is a devil. I told Kim she could use my car for as long as she needed it. I'm so proud of her and the kids. She's a teacher, and she'll be fine. Brian and Laura Beth came, too, and they're wonderful. They both make such good decisions, and I'm so proud of them."

There was a little more than that, but it was a blur to me at that point. This was her last recorded entry that we could find, and it was right before we moved her into the nursing home where she died. It was just a random little boost of confidence...not to mention a laugh. 

Still heading back to NY on Sunday...its going to be an awkward trip.

It's been a day.

The services were wonderful, and totally representative of Nanny. The minister from the nursing home did a great job, and I'm glad I got home for it. It was really a great trip home, too...the shortest one since the very first time I ever went to NY...13 and a half hours, and that included a stopover in Raleigh/Durham to get Laura from college.

I miss her so much. Coming home, seeing Nanny was always one of the top things on my list to do. We talked often, even when I was in NY. I talked to her the day before she died, and I look back at that conversation that we had and realized how important she was in my life. It's not always obvious to people, how a great-grandmother can be really important. The thing is, Nanny wasn't some Alzheimer's patient who was in my life for only a few years and lived across the country. She was my "granny", who had her mind until the last second of her life. This is a woman who I talked to for almost 20 years, who took me shopping, and gave me my first car- a 1985 Oldsmobile 88. 

One of the most important things I got from her was my faith. My great-grandmother was the most faithful person I know. A lot of people don't realize this, because I'm not outward with my religion, but my faith is the most important thing in this world to me. Nanny taught me how to be the quiet, religious person who respects everyone, and as a person, I look up to her so much.

I'm just tired and cried out. I'm happy to be home though. Several people at work tried to talk me out of coming home, and I almost caved, but I'm glad I didn't. It took me coming home to realize that I need to mourn. I didn't break down when I heard the news, I didn't break down driving home, but I got there today and I just couldn't look at her. My grandmother told me that she looked beautiful. She always looked beautiful.

Our last conversation (in person) consisted of her telling me how proud of me she was, and how she prayed for me every night in New York, but she knew I was happy. I'm always going to remember that. She loved her life, and she taught me to love my own life and do "whatever I feel is right for myself."

Oh, I miss you, Nanny, and I love you so much.

 

Current Mood: grieving

 I like how on the radio channels on TV they're playing the old 90's song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks, and how they have the title written as "B****!'

Like we don't know what it says.

I'm going to finish my homework, and go read my emo-tastic book, courtesy of my bffles.

Yesterday was just one of those days. Jen, Nate and I went to Queens for Kat's dad's wake. I can't even imagine what she's going through, but I tell you, I adore the girl. She's so strong and bubbly, and even through everything, she was still smiling. It really became a point of realization for me. I was frustrated because its been a seemingly frustrating week,  between work, confusing classes and what I thought was my car acting up. I don't realize how blessed I am that it's all I have to deal with. The scary thing about all of this is, one day I'm afraid I'm going to get a call and have to rush home for one of my relatives, and I'm going to kick myself for being so far away. I'm praying that never happens.

When I got home last night, I couldn't go into my apartment and sit by myself, so I went and sat with John and Maryann (my landlords) for a while. John and I had a conversation.

J: Brian, I'm a little bit concerned about the noise levels from your apartment.
ME: (nervous) I'm so sorry. I thought my music was a little bit loud the other day. It won't happen again, I promise.
J: No, I'm concerned about the LACK of noise. You're constantly quiet. I have to look out to the street to see if you're even home. Why don't you have a party?

I was surprised at this point. I explained to him how I like the quiet, but that I HAVE had people over. He laughed and told me to plan a housewarming. 

So I guess thats what I'm going to do. Stay tuned.

I don't know what possessed me to take four classes in one day. I was so tired yesterday, and I was at school from 9:25 until 5:30ish. I went home and crashed right away, and took this two hour nap that I really didn't have time for. But I was able to get a paper finished last night, at least. Nothing to major, just one of those response papers. But, hey, it all counts.

It's nice getting slightly back into the groove of things. Lunch with the Honors kids on Monday helped, and so did seeing a few people yesterday. I dunno. The house is still really quiet. 

I guess I'm really excited for whats ahead.

Current Mood: grateful

So, I'm basically all moved in. I have a few things to do, but they'll get done this weekend.

I'm just not happy right now. Something is seriously missing.

Hopefully, seeing people tomorrow will make me feel better.

So, its been a few days back on the island. I haven't seen anyone really, and I'm hoping to fix that this weekend. I did get to the city today, which brings me back quite a bit.

It doesn't feel like anything is "official" yet; I think its because my grandmother is still here. Normally, I think it would piss me off that someone is going through my stuff and unpacking it to their own taste, but this doesn't bother me. I'm glad Nee is here. We went tonight, and she bought me almost $150 in groceries and other things. I appreciate it, but it was too much. I've never spent that much on groceries before for myself. Not to mention that she's doing all of the hard labor stuff and I'm trying to get her not to. She refuses to stop (or allow me to) until everything is unpacked, settled and the house is clean, which is probably a good thing, because if she didn't, the boxes would stay here until I move out. 

I go back to work tomorrow. I'm not sure WHY I'm rushing back. It's not a money issue or a time thing...I have plenty to do around here. I guess I just feel like if I go back, it will put me back into the swing of things.

I really just need to see people. This apartment is crazy quiet, and I like quiet, but I miss having people to talk to when life kicks me in the balls.